


Cage of Words

by Changaroo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Crying, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Light Angst, Must be protected at all costs, No real plot just fluff, Platonic Cuddling, SO MUCH FLUFF, Skz are family, felix is precious, this is self-indulgent trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 03:52:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15331122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Changaroo/pseuds/Changaroo
Summary: He’s learning new ways to express himself every day, he can join in with his friends’ joking more and more, and sometimes, when asked a question, he can answer almost spontaneously. So yes, Felix agrees. He’s doing well.Except for the times when he isn’t.(In which Felix is struggling, and the others are there to remind him that he’s doing well).





	Cage of Words

**Author's Note:**

> So, I promised myself I wouldn’t write fanfiction about real people…guess how that turned out :D 
> 
> Anyways, I was rewatching some pre-debut Stray Kids videos, and it suddenly struck me just how much Felix’s Korean has improved. Like wow. He’s come so far, I’m so proud :’) Then I was thinking of how hard it is to learn a foreign language, especially when you’re thrown into a situation when you have to speak said language _all the time_. This fic is like 90% based on my own emo struggles learning French, but, uh, I hope you enjoy?

Normally, Felix doesn’t mind that he struggles to speak Korean.

He likes it when the others tease him over his poor pronunciation; it relaxes him and makes him laugh, and it takes away the pressure to be perfect. He likes it when they correct him and teach him new words, because it makes him feel warm and protected and cared for, and he loves the pride he feels when their eyes light up after he uses a phrase they’ve taught him. Interviews are harder, but no matter how badly he struggles his way through, his friends are always there afterwards to praise him and reassure him that he’s doing well.

And generally, Felix thinks that he is. He’s learning new ways to express himself every day, he can join in with his friends’ joking more and more, and sometimes, when asked a question, he can answer almost spontaneously. So yes, Felix agrees. He’s doing well.

Except for the times when he isn’t.

He doesn’t know why it happens, but sometimes, it all just feels too much. Sometimes it’ll be a comment; one little exchange between hyungs over the breakfast table that he doesn’t quite understand and is too ashamed to ask, and fixates on for the entire day out of sheer frustration. Sometimes it will be a little mistake during filming or recording; a manager will ask him to move left and he’ll move right, or he’ll be told to rap more quietly but instead he’ll rap louder. They’ll all laugh and Felix will laugh with them, but he’ll be burning with humiliation for hours afterwards. 

And sometimes it will happen for no reason at all. Like tonight.

They had had an interview earlier in the day. It had been a normal interview, with all the typical questions – stuff about their albums and their hopes for the future, and a cringey but endearing demonstration of Changbin’s aegyo – and it hadn’t even gone _badly_. In fact, it had gone well. Only one question had been directed at Felix, and he had thought for a second before answering spontaneously and fluently, without once stumbling over his words. Chan had even given him a subtle congratulatory high-five. He was doing _well_.

But, for some reason, memories of the interview keep replaying in his mind. He hates that he couldn’t join in with the easy, fluid conversation between his bandmates; hates the way that by the time he has formed a witty response, the moment has already passed; hates the fact that he can say enough for what he needs to say, but not enough for what he _wants_ to. 

He’s not a beginner anymore – he’s thrown into real-life situations and expected to keep up – but he’s not fluent either, and he thinks this must be the worst stage to be at. And he’s been stuck in this horrible, in-between state for _months_. He’s beginning to think that he’s just going to stay here forever, trapped inside his own mind by a cage of words.

It’s this fear that drives him to be awake at two in the morning, using his phone flashlight to squint at the page of his Korean textbook through dry, itchy eyes. He’s so exhausted that his head is throbbing and the words on the page are blurring so badly that he can’t even tell which language they’re in. His mind feels fuzzy and unfocused, like a broken television screen. Nothing is sinking in. He just wants to sleep but he can’t, because if he’s sleeping then he isn’t learning, and if he isn’t learning then he’s never going to be fluent.

A droplet of water drips onto the page, and Felix realises belatedly that he is crying. He drags a sleeve across his eyes and holds his breath, trying to force back the emotion, but it’s all too much and he’s so _tired_ and _useless_ and _sad_ , and in the end, he just buries his face into his pillow and cries.

The door creaks open.

“Hey, are you all okay?” Changbin. Felix holds his breath and prays for him to go away, because he doesn’t want to be seen like this, and definitely not by Changbin. “I thought I could hear someone – oh, _Felix_.”

Shit.

Quiet footsteps cross the room, and he feels the mattress dip as Changbin sits on the edge of the bed. “Hey, what’s wrong? What’s brought this on, hm?”

He really intends to just feign sleep until Changbin leaves, but the tone of such gentle and sincere concern breaks him. He pushes his face further into his pillow and sobs.

“I just – I can’t – “ he gasps out between heaves.

Changbin’s warm hand settles on his back, stroking slow, steady circles between his shoulder blades. “You can’t what?” He asks gently. There’s a rustle of movement above him, and Felix hears the shuffle of paper as Changbin lifts up his textbook. “Why do you have this? It’s two in the morning. You should be asleep, not studying.”

Felix just shakes his head. “I can’t, I n-need, I need to know how t-to speak, I can’t do it, Binnie, I _can’t_ – “ 

“Hey, hey. You’re okay. Come here.” Felix feels Changbin’s arms wrap around his waist as he lifts him into his lap. Felix offers no resistance, just goes limp in his hold and hides his face in Changbin’s sweatshirt. Changbin’s little envelope of body heat is indescribably soothing. It breaks down the last of his barriers, and he begins to sob helplessly. “Oh, Lix. Oh, baby, you’re alright. You’re okay. I’ve got you. Sh sh shhh, I’ve got you.”

Felix just cries and cries. Changbin rocks him in his arms and hums to him and whispers comfortingly in his ear, and waits patiently until his sobs die down into tiny sniffles and hiccups. Then, gently, he peels Felix away from his damp sweatshirt and looks him directly in the eyes. 

Felix knows he must look a mess. He’s an ugly crier, so his face is probably red and blotchy and swollen, and his eyes are itchy and raw. He shakily scrubs his cheeks with trembling hands, but Changbin tenderly bats them away and begins to dab at his face with a handful of soft tissues from the bedside table.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” He asks.

“I don’t know,” Felix says honestly. His voice sounds horrible, all scratchy and nasal. He needs to blow his nose, but there’s no way he’s doing something gross like that in front of Changbin. “I mean, I want to, I think, but…the words are difficult.” 

Changbin nods. “Hey, that’s alright. Just try your best, okay? I’ll understand you.”

Felix draws a shuddering breath and drags his sleeve across his eyes. “I…it’s just, I can’t _speak_ , Binnie-hyung. Most of the time I can understand you guys and I can talk to you, but then sometimes – sometimes I can’t, and I _hate_ it. It’s so scary when you’re all talking and I can’t understand but I can’t ask because I _should_ understand, and then when I’m in interviews and they ask something and I’m so nervous that my brain won’t work and I get confused and can’t speak and –“

He pauses to draw in a gasp of air. At some point he must have begun crying again, because Changbin is wiping his face with another tissue, and he has wrapped the duvet around both of them in a snug little burrito of sadness and warmth. He must mumble something about this into Changbin’s shoulder, because Changbin laughs, the sound rumbling in his chest, and flicks Felix gently on the tip of his nose.

“I know you’re sad, but I’m not microwaving you a burrito at three in the morning,” he says. 

Felix sniffles and leans back into his arms with a tiny pout. “I thought you loved me.”

“I do. That’s why I want you to look after yourself and get enough sleep and stick to the diet we’ve been set, rather than eating microwave burritos in a puddle of tears at three am.”

Felix giggles weakly. Then he sits bolt upright as something strikes him. “Wait, it’s three already?”

“Yeah. You must’ve been studying for hours, Lix.”

“Oh, _no_.” He feels his heart sink. “I’m sorry. You should be asleep. I woke you up. I’m sorry, you should go now, I don’t want to keep you awake, we have schedules in the morning, I’ll be fine, I just –“

“Hey, none of that.” Changbin gives him a little squeeze. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I knew you were okay. And you’re not, are you?”

“Not what?” His mind still feels staticky and kind of hollow.

“Okay. You’re not okay, you’re struggling, and that’s alright. I just want to be able to help you. How can I help you, Lix?”

Felix tries very, very hard not to cry at the sympathy in his voice. “I-I don’t know.”

“Okay, that’s okay. Let’s make it simpler. What can I do _right now_ to make you feel better?”

“I think…I think I want you to stay. I want to sleep with you and Channie-hyung – not in that way! Just, for cuddles and stuff.” He looks down at the bedsheets awkwardly. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, though…”

Changbin chuckles softly. “What kind of a question is that? When have I ever refused cuddles?”

“…Never. But I’m all damp and disgusting and probably look gross.”

“You could never look gross, Felix.” Changbin says it so quietly he can barely hear it. Then he raises his voice a little. “Come on, lets go find Channie-hyung.”

He puts his hands on Felix’s shoulders and begins to guide him through the dark, silent apartment. Felix makes a quick diversion to the bathroom to wipe his nose and splash water on his face. Honestly, it doesn’t make much of a difference; he still looks like the protagonist of a soap opera after a particularly dramatic break-up scene. He giggles slightly at the thought.

Changbin gently flicks him under the chin when he comes out. “I missed that smile.”

Felix bares his teeth and pretends to bite him. He’s still feeling drained, but his attempt at playfulness makes Changbin laugh in relief and wrap an arm around him, so it’s worth it. They tiptoe through the apartment, careful not to wake any of the others (although they both pause outside Hyunjin’s room to laugh at the muttering coming from inside), and slip back into Chan and Changbin’s room.

“Hyung?” Changbin calls softly. “Are you asleep?”

“That depends,” Chan replies. He sounds exhausted, and Felix’s chest clenches in guilt; Chan already suffers from insomnia, and they should be letting him sleep, not bothering him. “If you’re going to prank me, then yes. If you want me to make you food, then no, make it yourself.” 

“What if Felix needs you?” 

“Felix?” Chan sits up immediately, switching on the lamp. His expression melts in sympathy when he catches sight of his face. “Hey, what’s wrong, baby? Homesick?”

Felix thinks, then shakes his head. Before their debut, he had regularly crept into Chan’s bed at night to be held and comforted through bouts of homesickness, but to his surprise, he realises that he doesn’t feel homesick at all. There’s nowhere he’s rather be but here. He just wishes it were easier.

“Come here.” Chan holds out his arms, and Felix climbs into them. “What’s up, hm? This isn’t like you to be so sad.” 

Felix had thought he was done with crying, but he feels himself tear up at Chan’s sweet tone. He doesn’t deserve this kindness, not after he’s kept them awake at three in the morning with his own stupid worries. He sniffles. “Just tired. I’m okay.”

He obviously isn’t, but Chan doesn’t push it, just gently nuzzles his forehead against Felix’s and pulls him down to lie with him. Changbin climbs in and spoons him from the other side, like a little cuddle sandwich. Felix has never felt so comfortable and loved.

“Go to sleep, baby,” Chan tells him. “We’re here.”

“Thank you,” Felix whispers. 

Changbin just chuckles and squeezes him gently. “Goodnight, Felix.”

“Goodnight.”

He’s asleep before they even switch off the light.

———————— 

The next morning, Jisung reaches across Felix for the butter and asks casually, “Why were you crying last night?”

Felix splutters and practically inhales his toast. Seungmin thumps him gently on the back as he coughs, then says, eyes wide with concern, “You were crying?” 

“It was nothing,” he says hastily, taking a gulp of water. “How did you know?”

Jisung shrugs. “I heard you. I was going to come and check you were okay, but then Changbin came. What was wrong?”

The whole table is watching them now. “Honestly, it’s nothing important.” And, Felix realises, it really isn’t. Last night, it had seemed like the most awful thing in the world; and yet, here he is, having a fluent conversation over breakfast. Even if he were to stumble, he has eight amazing friends – eight _brothers_ – to help him out. 

“As long as you’re okay.”

Felix smiles. “I’m okay.” And he means it. 

The rest of breakfast continues with easy conversation and laughter. Felix doesn’t understand everything, but it’s enough. He joins in with their playful teasing, laughs at their jokes, steals food from Changbin’s plate when he isn’t looking – and, he realises, it doesn’t matter that he isn’t fluent. It doesn’t matter that he still struggles with Korean, that he’s still learning the culture, that there are days when he just longs to be back in Australia.

There are more ways to communicate than just language, and Felix knows that even if words are sometimes lost in translation, the meaning still remains. There is an understanding between the nine of them, an understanding that disregards the technicalities of language. And as Felix sits there, listening to them talk and smile and share their love for one another, he feels himself slip between the bars of his cage of words and leave it in ashes behind him.

It’s going to take a while for Felix to get used to Korea. But in time, he will learn and improve and become more confident. There is a part of his heart that is already here in Korea, in his new life. He just needs to become a little braver and claim it.

Yes, Felix thinks. He will get there eventually. But for now, he is content to relax and enjoy this adventure into the unknown, with his favourite people in the world beside him. He is going to be okay.

He’s doing well.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god this is awful I’m sorry XD 
> 
> I’m so sorry for making Felix suffer, he’s my bias, I swear xD I’m so proud of him :3
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope it didn’t suck too badly. If you liked it, feel free to leave kudos and comments etc (I like literally squeal with joy when I get them). 
> 
> Also, please send me requests if you want! I have too much time on my hands.


End file.
